Inhale. Exhale. Drop your shoulders. You are safe here.

Things No One Told You

What I wish I'd known sooner, so you don't have to learn it the hard way.

The Aftermath

What they didn't tell me about surgical menopause. The raw truth on what happens when surgery steals your youth and the medical system leaves you to figure it out alone, and how to reclaim your power.

Before I turned 30, I had a hysterectomy, and my ovaries were removed along with it. Overnight, my body was thrown into menopause. I had already been working in healthcare for several years, and I had never even heard the words "surgical menopause." No one prepared me for what came next. I would go on to live an entire adulthood in a body that was changed decades ahead of its time. My mind would feel foggy, my body would feel foreign, and my soul would feel heavy.

Now, 20 years later, as a Black woman and the owner of my own wellness and aesthetics practice, this is what I wish someone had told me.

The Mind: The Psychological Hijack

The brain fog and mental fatigue. This isn't just forgetting your keys. It's losing words mid-sentence, rereading the same page, and feeling like your sharpest self is behind glass.

The emotional whiplash. The anxiety and depression that can follow an early hysterectomy are not just "sadness." They have a real hormonal side. Estrogen and progesterone help steady your mood and your nervous system, and without them it can feel like you're stuck in fight-or-flight: sudden panic, rage that comes out of nowhere, or a hollow numbness.

The Body: The Physical Transformation

The overnight aging. No one warns you that your skin can lose its moisture almost overnight, your joints can start to ache and crack, and your pelvic floor will change. Estrogen supports collagen throughout your body, so losing it can bring aches in places you didn't know could hurt.

The acne no one explained. I never had acne like that as a teenager. Suddenly, as an adult, I was breaking out in a way I had never experienced. I was told it was stress and put on Accutane (isotretinoin) for six months, and it was not good for me at all. No one stopped to look at my hormones. Adult acne, especially along the jawline and chin, is often driven by hormonal shifts. Treating the skin without looking at the hormones behind it misses the root cause.

The belly fat and metabolic chaos. Without the estrogen your ovaries made, your body tends to store more fat around the belly, and insulin resistance can climb. You can eat exactly the same way and watch your body change anyway.

The exhaustion of not being heard. As a young Black woman, walking into a doctor's office with these symptoms was an uphill battle. I was told I was "too young" to feel this way, or that it was just stress. Having to fight for hormone therapy and proper bloodwork while completely exhausted is a trauma of its own, one that still lives with me today.

The Soul: Feeling Evicted From My Own Womanhood

The spiritual eviction. Society ties a woman's worth and youth to her reproductive organs. When those are removed so young, it can feel like being evicted from your own womanhood. I had to actively redefine what being a divine, powerful Black woman means when the physical womb is gone.

The ghost feeling. You look 27 on the outside, but inside you're navigating the biology of a woman decades older. It isolates you from friends who can't understand why you're too tired to go out, why you're having night sweats, or why your desire has disappeared.

The isolation. When you don't understand what's happening to you, you can't explain it to anyone else. So you pull away. It can strain friendships, relationships and even marriages.

In a marriage, the damage often comes from what isn't understood. When your partner doesn't know what's happening to your body, your exhaustion looks like laziness. Your irritability looks like an attitude. Your lack of desire feels like rejection. Instead of asking questions, he takes it personally, gets defensive, or quietly checks out. You end up lonely in your own home, carrying something you can't explain to the one person who should be on your side. Silence replaces conversation. Resentment builds on both sides. And without understanding and support, even a strong marriage can break. Mine did.

The Turning Point: The Reclamation

Here is what I know now: my power was never in my uterus. It is in my spirit, and they tried to break it. They couldn't.

The soul work is moving from destruction to rebuilding. For me, reclaiming my life meant:

  • Advocating for myself, relentlessly. Asking for the labs, asking the questions, and finding providers who listen.
  • Fueling my body like an athlete. Protein at every meal, strength training, and hydration as non-negotiables.
  • Refusing to be invisible. To the medical system, to the people I love, and to myself.

You are not crazy. You are not alone. And this is not the end of your story. It's where you start writing the next chapter, on your terms.

More Things I Wish I'd Known

1. The Truth About Bioidentical Hormone Therapy (BHRT)

You do not have to be afraid to ask about BHRT, learn about it, or choose it. BHRT may not be for everyone, but for most healthy women under 60, or within 10 years of menopause, leading medical experts consider it a safe and effective option, and the benefits often outweigh the risks. You deserve a real conversation about it, not a shutdown.

What is BHRT? Bioidentical hormones have the same structure as the hormones your body makes, like estradiol and progesterone. Many options are available, and a knowledgeable provider who specializes in BHRT can help you decide which form, dose and delivery method fit you.

  • The fear was overblown. A large 2002 study scared a generation of women away from hormones. Later research showed that for most healthy women under 60, or within 10 years of menopause, the benefits often outweigh the risks. In November 2025, the FDA announced it was removing the "black box" warnings from many menopause hormone therapies.
  • Early surgical menopause is different. Women who lose their ovaries young are generally advised to consider hormone therapy until about the natural age of menopause, unless there's a medical reason not to.
  • It's not just about hot flashes, and it's not just about estrogen. Each hormone plays its own role:
    • Estrogen supports your bones, heart, brain, skin, sleep, mood and vaginal health.
    • Progesterone is your calming hormone. It supports deeper sleep, eases anxiety and helps balance estrogen.
    • Testosterone isn't just for men. Women make it too, and it plays a role in desire, energy, motivation and muscle strength. Keeping and building muscle supports your metabolism, which matters when you're working to lose belly fat. At the right dose for a woman, with labs to monitor it, testosterone restores what your body is missing. It won't make you look like a man, and neither will lifting weights.
  • Hormones vs. supplements. Supplements can support you, but they don't replace hormones your body no longer makes.

Questions to ask your provider:

  • Am I a good candidate for BHRT? If not, why?
  • Which hormones, and which form (patch, gel, pill, cream, pellet)?
  • How will we monitor my labs and adjust my dose?
  • What are my personal risks and benefits?

It helped me find my new normal. After months of adjusting my BHRT, I have finally been able to give my mind, body and soul grace, knowing I'm not crazy and I'm not losing my mind. I feel alive again, freed from the chains of “just deal with it, it's just the natural process of aging.” Here's what my new normal looks like:

  • I have energy again, and the desire to work out.
  • I'm no longer afraid of testosterone or lifting weights. Neither made me bulky or masculine. They made me strong.
  • I reclaimed my love for food, especially carbs. I'm no longer afraid to eat more protein and more calories.
  • I prioritize rest and sleep.
  • I take as many naps as my body asks for, and I still sleep well at night.
  • Sex is important to me, and it's OK to desire it, or not.
  • I'm proactive about my health. I demand answers instead of letting a white coat make the final decisions.
  • I'm happy in my dry skin now that water and hyaluronic acid are non-negotiables. (Lol.)
  • It's OK to talk about how I'm feeling, even when I don't understand it. And it's OK to cry, even when there's no reason.
  • I protect my peace, stay consistent and practice the rituals that make me feel whole: self-care and self-love, reading my Bible, journaling, meditating, breathwork and tea time.

2. The Disparity No One Talks About: Black Women, Menopause and Healthcare

This isn't only for Black women. Whether you are a woman of any background, a partner, a friend, a daughter or a healthcare worker, understanding these gaps helps everyone get better care.

My experience: I was young, I was a Black woman, and I was in surgical menopause. I was told I was "too young" and that it was "just stress." I had to fight for hormone therapy and proper bloodwork. I later learned my story is not rare. It's a pattern.

What the research shows:

  • Longer, harder menopause. The SWAN study, which has followed women for more than 25 years, found Black women had the longest-lasting hot flashes and night sweats of any group: a median of about 10 years, compared with about 7.4 years overall. Black women also tend to start the transition earlier.
  • Less treatment. A 2025 study of nearly 5,500 women with menopause symptoms found Black women had 36% lower odds of being prescribed estrogen therapy than White women.
  • Fibroids and hysterectomy. Up to 80% of Black women develop fibroids by age 50, often earlier and more severe, and Black women are more than twice as likely to have a hysterectomy for fibroids.
  • Pain that isn't believed. In a 2016 study, about half of the white medical students and residents surveyed believed at least one false myth, such as Black people having thicker skin or less sensitive nerve endings. Those beliefs were linked to undertreating Black patients' pain.
  • Pregnancy. In 2023, the U.S. maternal death rate for Black women was 50.3 per 100,000 births, about 3.5 times the rate for White women (14.5).
  • Breast cancer. Black women are 38% more likely to die from breast cancer than White women, even though they are diagnosed slightly less often.
  • Even the equipment. Pulse oximeters, the finger clips that measure oxygen, can read falsely high on darker skin. The FDA issued new draft guidance in 2025 to improve their accuracy.
  • The toll of stress. Researchers call it "weathering": the constant stress of racism and discrimination can wear the body down and age it faster.

What you can do:

  • Track your symptoms (dates, severity, sleep, mood) and bring the list to every visit.
  • Ask directly: "What else could this be?" "What labs can we run?" "Would you recommend this treatment for any other woman with my symptoms?"
  • Ask that your request be noted in your chart if a provider says no.
  • Bring someone with you. A second set of ears is powerful.
  • Get a second opinion. You are allowed to keep looking until someone listens.
  • If you're not a Black woman: believe the women around you when they say something is wrong, and stand beside them when they advocate for themselves.

At WilKay, you will be heard. We take the time, we run the labs, and we build your plan with you.

3. The PCOS and Endometriosis Double Whammy

Endometriosis affects about 1 in 10 women of reproductive age, and diagnosis often takes years. PCOS raises long-term risk for type 2 diabetes, heart disease and endometrial cancer. Having one or both means your health deserves ongoing attention, not just a fix for painful periods.

My experience: For years, my symptoms were misdiagnosed, dismissed and undertreated. By the time I finally got the right diagnosis, it was too late. I had a prolapsed uterus that led to emergency surgery: my hysterectomy.

If your periods are severely painful, heavy or irregular, or something just feels wrong, keep asking until you get answers. Early diagnosis can protect your options.

4. Muscle, Protein and Hydration: Your New Non-Negotiables

Muscle protects your metabolism, bones and independence. Aim for protein at every meal, strength train 2-3 times a week, and drink about half your body weight (in pounds) in ounces of water daily. My go-to breakfast: Kodiak blueberry protein cakes, smoked salmon, egg whites and goat yogurt with homemade granola.

5. Twenty Years to Be Heard: Why I Chose a Naturopathic Doctor

For 20 years, I did everything right. I showed up with my symptoms, my questions and my requests for labs. And time after time, Western medicine doctors turned their backs on me. I was "too young." It was "just stress." My labs were "normal." I left appointments dismissed, exhausted and more alone than when I walked in.

It took me 20 years to find a doctor who would actually listen, and that doctor was a naturopathic doctor. They gave me time. I wasn't just another 30-minute visit or another number on a chart. They were compassionate, and they never once made me feel judged. They ran the labs no one else would. They looked at my whole body, not one symptom at a time. They figured out the root cause. And they believed me. For the first time in 20 years, I felt seen, heard and safe.

Partnering with a naturopathic doctor was always my long-term goal for WilKay, and now it's a reality. Because no woman should have to wait 20 years to be heard.

6. When It's Not Addressed, It Can Destroy a Marriage

I know this firsthand. Surgical menopause wasn't the only reason my marriage ended, but it was a huge part of why it didn't last. When the symptoms of menopause aren't understood and addressed, by you, your partner and your providers, they can slowly tear a marriage apart.

If you have lost a relationship through this, hear me: it was not your fault. You were, or may still be, going through a biological upheaval no one prepared you for: the mood swings, the exhaustion, the loss of desire, the pulling away. You aren't "difficult." You are unsupported, and you deserve support now.

What's actually happening (so you can explain it):

  • Low desire is biology, not rejection. Estrogen and testosterone both fuel desire, and both can drop sharply after menopause, especially surgical menopause.
  • Painful sex is physical. Without estrogen, vaginal tissue becomes thinner and drier, so intimacy can hurt. It's common and treatable.
  • The mood swings are hormonal. Hormones help regulate mood, so irritability, anxiety and tears can come out of nowhere.
  • The exhaustion is real. Night sweats and broken sleep leave you running on empty.
  • The pulling away is protection. When you can't explain what's happening to you, it can feel safer to withdraw.

What I wish my partner had known:

  • This wasn't about him, and it wasn't me choosing to be distant.
  • I didn't need fixing. I needed patience, curiosity and someone on my side.
  • Asking "What's going on with your body, and how can I help?" would have meant everything.

Getting through this takes both people. But too often, men don't take the time to understand what's happening. Sometimes it's because no one ever explained it to them. And sometimes, honestly, they just don't care.

What I want for you:

  • Name what's happening, out loud and without shame.
  • Invite your partner in. Share this page with them, or bring them to a visit.
  • If they won't come with you, you still deserve care. Your healing does not depend on someone else's willingness to understand.

Ready to talk it through? Book a consultation and let's build a plan around you.

If you're struggling with depression or thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You deserve support.

Educational information only. Not a diagnosis or treatment plan.